Its hard to drive I learned tonight, when you are crying. Things get a bit blurry. At the same time though, its hard to stay in your room when you're crying, so I had decided to take my chances. I drove all the way to the airport, without directions except for following the leaps in my stomach of past trips. I circled the terminal three times, peering over the side of the car when the ramp got to its highest point, trying to identify buildings to use as landmarks. I was looking to try and find a place to watch the planes take-off. Somewhere that would rattle my heart and slap my imagination back into working order. I have yelled at my mind so much these past weeks, the way it rolls back and forth between where I am, where I want to be and where I am not. Plans that fill up my soul, but empty my wallet, and more frightening, the opposite. The best bet looked like some of the old buildings of Fort Snelling, althogh I knew there was almost no chance that I would be able to stretch out on the outskirts of an old Military Base without being escorted off the premises in handcuffs. I tore around corners and made mental maps of the places that looked like they could work, but every turn had angry signs urging me to leave. I finally listened when the signs turned into a cop car, and left, somewhat defeated, somewhat giggling to myself. As I climbed back into Minneapolis' skyline, like the arms of an old friend I began the next search for a equally good place to go, somewhere perhaps I could find on my bike. I drove through old parking lots so full of potholes, there wasn't much else besides, and down abandoned roads that made me wonder if cars were even allowed on them.
I don't know what to do with my life, so it seems, I have begun wanting to look for places to hide. Well, actually, I have plenty of fantastic ideas of what to do with my life, but sometimes, as much as I wish it wasn't true, things are out of your control, and I have been driving myself into the ground the last month making myself accept this. I can't control what jobs are available, nor who will hire me. If I could always just rely on the big ideas my mind can produce, I wouldn't even spare enough time to write this. I'd be too busy a top camels in Jordon, or chasing down paintings and men gorgeous enough to be put in them in Italy. I'd be behind the lens of a camera somewhere in Brazil or on a boat going to a monastery in France. I think that this is the reason I have been so upset lately, I know I can't go and buy tickets to these places, but I have put so much pressure on myself to create the life and make the choices that will let me do that someday that I am caving under the depression that it isn't happening now. I want so bad to make a life that keeps the top of the TV cold and tires of my bike hot that I have a hard time forgiving myself for this intermission and downtime. My heart wants the next great adventure, but my somehow more logical and sensible mind won't release the reigns, even if its nipping at the bit.
I'm scared that when I tell myself that I am just waiting for the right time to leave, I will accidentally let time go by and find myself wiping my kids noses and paying a mortgage while I wonder where my passport went and why my hiking boots still look so new. Some people are scared of going skydiving, being alone in the woods, hearing loud noises and finding themselves in a strange place. I am scared of not.
I'm writing this to convince myself that its ok to take a deep breath. Its okay to be somewhere longer than you thought. Its ok to become familiar and know where you are when you open your eyes in the morning. There are lots of good things about it. Like a "usual" at the cafe down the block and having memorized the drink special at a favorite bar.
I'm scared because this is usually the time when people turn into real adults. Many of my friends are getting married, getting jobs and getting comfortable. I feel like the next few stretches will determine if I will zig or zag.
But the whole world is such an enormous book, that I am not ready to stick a bookmark in and let the crease become permanent. I want to see whats on the next page, the next chapter. I guess right now I am looking up the words so that I can continue through, understanding better and being ready for more. I'll find that place to hide soon, and curl up with this absolutely wonderful book.
Monday, April 6, 2009
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